I’ve never been a great swimmer, and after the bone surgeon filled the tumor in my arm with cement, I decided I’ll probably have to use a floatie when I go swimming from now on.

Given the path I’ll be on and the great unknown ahead, I’ve thought a lot about how to keep myself afloat when I am buried by discouragement or fear or doubt. I just had one of those days yesterday. Today, I put on my floatie and found a way to rise back to the surface.

I have had many, many tests done for the doctor to figure out the staging and risk factors of my cancer, but still have 12 days before I meet with my oncologist (he had the gall to go on vacation-how could he? Haha!).

I convinced myself that if I could read and understand the tests, then somehow I’d be better prepared to deal with whatever the prognosis is, when that time finally comes. I spend hours studying the numbers and looking up medical terminology and trying to interpret all the data. Instead of preparing me for the path ahead, my thoughts were consumed with the unknown and with questions I had no answers for, and all it left me was doubt and fear. There was no room left in my mind or heart for hope or faith or joy or gratitude.

So it is in life. The questions for which we don’t yet have answers, the times we have to step into the dark and walk only by feeling our way along, the events that make no sense-yet; these are the moments that we can only find confidence through holding onto the One who knows and sees everything perfectly. There are some kinds of faith that can only grow in the dark. I want that kind of faith.

So, today, I decided to trust. Not ignorantly and blindly, but patiently. There’s so much I can do with my thoughts and mind, even if my body isn’t cooperating right now. So, I chose to do something positive while I wait. I chose to immerse myself in the scriptures. I chose to express gratitude. And I am choosing to believe in God’s wisdom and let myself feel His love.

Here I am, bobbing along again.