Bad News!! I have been back in the hospital since Friday. It seems to be “neutropenic fever” this time (it just is part of having no immune system after a transplant). The rule is that if I ever get a fever of 100.4 or greater, they put me in the hospital for at least 48 hours to pump me full of antibiotics and watch and test everything. I should be able to go home tomorrow. However, since I don’t know what specifically put me in here, I don’t have any idea how to prevent another trip in.

You can see that my status seems to be bouncing around a bit lately. Is it Karma, Chance or Choice?

On Thursday I was cleared by my BMT (Bone Marrow Transplant) doctor to be able to go outside again!! That was the best news I’ve had in a while. She said it will be a long time before I can dig in the dirt (weeds are safe at my house for a while), but I can water stuff and walk around and I can pick my raspberries. They are my prize possession. I take great care of my raspberry patch and relish in every berry I pick from it. And I usually eat as many as I want on the spot while I’m picking. I don’t use chemicals on my berries, so I have always done this without trepidation.

This is where karma kicked in. After my appointment on Thursday, the first thing I did was go out to my raspberry patch.  I was picking and popping little handfuls in my mouth and loving every bite, when I suddenly remembered that I am supposed to thoroughly wash every piece of produce I eat, regardless of where I get it from. I had a little handful of berries and I consciously decided in that moment to pop that one more little handful, then wash all the rest. So I popped them in, and immediately spat them out! There was a sharp little garden spider in that handful, and karma bit me. At least the spider didn’t bite me, and I have a powerful future reminder to do what I should have been doing all along.

I think I’m in the hospital again because of chance. It’s another way to say, “that’s life”.  I have cancer because I have a mortal body. It is not a result of a choice I made. It is not karma. It is certainly not a punishment from God or even, in this case, tied to any health choices I’ve made over my lifetime. My body is mortal, and subject to disease and deterioration. Tough luck, right?

I have had blinding migraines for 4 days now, on top of 4 days of them last week. I had an appointment with a neurologist today who, after an hour of questions, thinks that the headaches are related to the specific antibiotic I am on. But the antibiotic is such an effective one for post-transplant patients that they will just work around it with headache remedies. So, although I am choosing to follow the recommended course for cancer treatment, how my body reacts to it is a result of chance. I’m okay with that.

How I choose to respond to all this is the only thing that is in my control.  I chose to respond to cancer by following the prevailing medical practices and medicines. That path runs through a lot of choices. I consciously choose to go to every appointment and accept every treatment, even ones that are known to make you weak, or give you headaches, or make your hair fall out. Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with the mental health to be positive. Not everyone has that, and sometimes it is far out of their control. But, having been blessed with positivity, I still have to work hard to control my thoughts. When I recognize that I’m having a pity party, it usually only takes me a day or so to pop the balloons and toss out the cake and get on with living. When I make conscious choices to do, think, eat and listen to things that strengthen me, my body and mind respond better to what is in and out of my control.

Like the sword of Gryffindor, I try hard to take in only that which will make me stronger. That is a choice.

Having to figure out life with cancer; that’s chance.

When I popped in that spider; that was karma.