December 28, 2025
I like lists. I have made lists since I was a little girl, like what I wanted for Christmas, or this treasure, what I wanted for my future. My lists in my adulthood were impossibly long and often unrealistic. Truly, I am amazed at (and I really miss) how much I used to get done.
My lists are different now. I still try to be as productive as possible, but I have more of a calendar now, filled with family events and doctor visits. What follows is a list of my appointments and notes for the past month. Of course, it’s Christmas-time, so there’s an unusual amount of celebrating, but you can see how much joy I get from family time.
In the lines between the happy moments, you can see my monthly doctor appointments and the symptoms I have to report to my oncologist, and how much the physical may interfere with the fun. I’ve tried for months now to make myself describe on this blog what I still deal with physically, despite my remission status. I’ve written in my journal, but it sounds so whiny that I haven’t let the whole story leave those pages. For those of you who wonder what it means to be declared “in remission”, but still dealing with almost daily physical issues and endless treatments and doctor appointments related to cancer (or aging or a multitude of other things common to humanity), this might give you some idea of the relentlessness of the struggle.
I’ll go backwards from today, December 28th:
- 28th- Christmas dinner with five kids and their families (26 of us! We miss the other 9 at these gatherings)
- 28th-Stomach problems for a week. My fridge is full of Christmas food I didn’t eat. I know. First world problem.
- 27th-Neuropathy dropped from my arms to my feet. Foot neuropathy comes in waves with chemotherapy. I’ve had a nice break from it for a few months.
- 26-28th– Finishing a months-long project recording Book of Mormon stories for my grandchildren. It’s done!
- 25th- Quiet Christmas Day with Jeremy (because there were too many sick people to get together as a big family)
- 24th-Christmas Eve
- 24th-PET scan (To check for new or returning cancer-It’s good news! No new “hot” spots! It doesn’t explain all the weird symptoms I’m having, but at least the cancer is still in remission)
- 24th-Gamma Globulin Infusion (weekly-It’s my least favorite day of the week. Lots of swelling, achiness, bruising. I get them for Primary Immune Deficiency. It’s been almost three years of these now. I’ll have them for the rest of my life. The side effects get worse the longer I go. Yuck.)
- 23rd-Oncology Lab, Visit, Treatment (Monthly. These aren’t too bad, just side effects like rashes, stomach issues, etc afterward for about four days.)
- 23rd-Start a new 3 week cycle of Revlimid (the “maintenance therapy” chemo pill. Some mild side effects like a sore throat, stomach issues, etc for several days)
- 22nd-Evening with Erin’s family
- 22nd-Stomach problems. Missing Christmas food-any food.
- 21st-Third Advent and final Hanukkah with Tom’s family, including crafts, food, candles (beautiful celebration!)
- 18th-School program and watching granddaughter all day (we had so much fun!)
- 18th-Gamma Globulin Infusion
- 17th-Jeremy home from college! Yeah!!
- 17th-Second Advent and Lucia with Brent’s family (We smooshed three Advent celebrations and Lucia into one week so Jeremy wouldn’t have to miss his favorite Christmas celebrations. Hannah was our Lucia girl this year. She did a marvelous job)
- 16th-Choir concert for oldest grandson (what talented young singers!)
- 15th-Thyroid scan (no problems)
- 15th-All over itching-scalp, tongue, palms of hands, everything. This is maddening, and no amount of lotion or oil helps. Scratching is out of the question.
- 14th-First night of Hanukkah (this is a new celebration for us, to honor the history and struggle of our Jewish brothers and sisters)
- 14th-Started having neuropathy (tingling) in arms and hands and mild dizziness and a lot of brain fog. Brain fog feels just like it sounds; as if I’m mentally and physically groping through pea-soup-deep fog. It’s hard to focus, remember details, names, tasks, etc. I had it for several months during the stem cell replacement, but not since then. It feels like it’s been going on forever, but it’s only been two weeks (Dec 14-28). Oncologist scheduling tests to check it out.
- 13th– 41st anniversary in Lindsborg, KS to celebrate at their annual Swedish Lucia celebration. We were married on Lucia, and to have Lucia coincide again with our anniversary day was special. It was a great (but very cold) celebration.
- 12th-PT for back and shoulder (this repeats twice a week-I’ll just mention it once. It’s very slow or indistinguishable progress, but I keep trying)
- 11th-Gamma Globulin Infusion
- 7th-Started having new and debilitating rib pain. Ugh.
- 5-10th-Spent my birthday week at Taryn’s in Montana. What a joy! I raced Matchbox cars and decorated gingerbread and read and played with her boys, ate way too much (Taryn is such a good cook), got to go the Messiah by the Kalispell Symphony (fantastic performance!), went to Polson’s Christmas parade, saw Christmas lights, and made memories to last forever.
- 4th-Gamma Globulin Infusion
- 3rd-Cancer specialty psychologist-it is helping to talk to someone who has specific experience and training in the emotional issues I face related to cancer. I meet with her once a month. It’s a tough hour each time, but helpful.
- Continuing-Back pain since July- X-rays and scans don’t show anything wrong, but no amount of PT, rest, exercise, heat, ice, etc seems to be helping. I’ll see the Spine specialist and a cancer re-hab specialist in January to see if they have any suggestions.
- Constant skin sensitivity-I’ve had this since the cancer started two years ago. Nothing new. My wardrobe has changed to all slick fabrics and my kids bought me some bamboo sheets for Christmas to try to help. So nice!
- Thanksgiving-Amanda and Brennan here, lots of family time, decorating early for Christmas and food. Life is so good.
You can see what a wonderful life I have, filled with purposeful and joyful things.
Pretending, Exerting, Renewal
People ask me how I keep going when I’m not well so much of the time. I’ve even been accused (accurately) of pretending that I’m okay when I’m not.
Exertion
Isn’t exertion what we all do as we grow up? It’s way more than pretending. We do what we need to, regardless of how we feel about it, or feel in general? It’s how I became all that my childhood mind imagined for my future. And now, after being blessed to accomplish all the things I hoped to do, exertion is still how I push so hard to be productive and heavily involved in family things.
Renewal.
These are the happy moments that renew me and give me the energy and joy to keep going. It’s the joy that balances the uncertainty and pain. And, as I should, I will push to have it as long as I have the power.